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Latest posts with tag: "mouth-on"
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  • Mouth-on with New Super Mario Bros. Wii Choco Egg!

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    I am so full, I have no room for anything left in my bulging stomach. We made some spinach fettuccine, it is so good. I eat and eat it until there is only space in me for liquid. And yet, for some reason or another, I feel myself drawn to the cabinet, to that place where I keep my pouches of slug vomit and preserved dicks. I am bored, I still don't have a Wii U, what the hell am I going to do, get stickers in Paper Mario? It is time to put my mouth on something, it is time for a game snack. It is time for New Super Mario Bros. Wii Choco Egg! Why do I have this thing.

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    I crack it open, and there is a plastic buttplug inside. Inside the plug is Mario, in three pieces. I put him together while contemplating my life, and what life must be like in three pieces inside a plastic capsule, in a chocolate egg, in foil, in a box.
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  • Mouth-on with Pokemon Kids Best Wishes! Pochama Version with ramune-flavored candy disc!

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    In Japan, companies have to pay a certain amount of money, a small tax, to sell toys. For some reason, if their toy includes a kind of candy item, the item is classified as a candy instead of a toy, and the tax is either reduced or negated. It is for Precisely This Reason that the shelves of many Japanese grocery stores and supermarkets, despite lacking exotic items like "crackers," canned vegetables, and cereal, have rows and rows of their meager available space devoted to cheap plastic trinkets packaged with pathetic bits of candy and branded with attractive, sexy characters. I am weak against their charms, and stuff handfuls of them into my shopping basket every time I make one of my routine trips to the store for pickled cat ears and fish farts, only glancing cursorily at the prices or actual contents.

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    Popping the Pokemon Kids Best Wishes! Pochama Version's tiny candy disc into my mouth reminds me of my earlier years as a ruined idiot child, desperate to eat the vitamin C supplements my parents would buy en masse, as many as I could. The thin, compacted-powder slab emits a gently sweet flavor, like kissing a fresh baby deep in the mouth. I want to let it linger and seep, but can't help myself and take a small piece off the edge with my back teeth. The flavor changes to one with hints of tartness, notes of the ramune soda, like bubblegum and cream. It has already begun, now, and I let my equipment run wild. My rear finger nibblers defeat what's left of it, pulping the rest of the disintegrating disc into loose elixir which ripples through my hole, coating it, filling into the spaces. I flick my tongue over the roof of my mouth, just to remember the moment, this slickness, this mellifluous film. But as soon as it arrives it is over, and I am empty.

    Luckily, another treat lies in wait.
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  • Mouth-on with Boss Coffee Drive Shot and the Mario Kart 7 Pull Back Car & Big Figure Collection!

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    Boss' new Drive Shot canned coffee isn't brown or yellow but somewhere in-between, the color of what you'd get if a Hershey bar could take a piss. As I pop the lid I notice it smells about the same, watered down, sweet, a hint of milk, the memory of coffee beans. I imagine some old man down at the local rotary club sucking it down like a babe at the teat out of a paper cup with the fold-out handles, and start to gag, even as I pour the thin swig down my gullet, dampening my cavernous gorge. The outer walls of the narrow metal can are ribbed. I drag my thumb over them as I dump the slosh in. I think of winter, and the people who have touched me.

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    There are several brands and dozens of varieties of canned coffee in Japan. But the best one is Boss, because of Tommy Lee Jones' bizarre Japanese commercials as the namesake "Boss" himself. If anyone ever tells me another kind is better, I kill that person and then play the commercials on my phone into their eyes that I hold open because they are dead and can't open them of their own will. I used to drink cans upon cans of Boss in the first few days of my life here, consistently unable to obtain restful sleep and waking at strange hours in the impossibly hot summer, craving the caffeine, Needing it! I started buying canned coffee by the case from the grocery store and developed a heartburn-agitating pseudo-addiction to it that eventually convinced me by force that I should probably switch from coffee to tea. But every now and then my hand is pulled towards the Boss section on the shelf, especially when things are like yesterday, and there is a new kind of caffeine-enhanced coffee called Drive Shot with FUCKING MARIO KART TOYS ON THEM look at these goddamned toys holy shit look at them. The toys
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  • Mouth-on with New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set Gum!

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    What's more fun than a plastic packet full of cardboard? A plastic packet full of cardboard with Mario pictures printed on it! Yes, New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set Gum is simultaneously the worst and most awesome candy-related product I have ever savagely grabbed from the shelf with my teeth and spat into the shopping cart with a walrus-like emission of sound. This thing hearkens back to a time when we had to use our imaginations for entertainment, when we had to have fun with spartan paper products. A time before New Super Mario Bros. Wii, a video game.

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    What can you do with New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set? Well, one piece is the background. You set it up in the back. The other piece is a bunch of punch-outable cardboard characters that you fold together. The package contains suggested playing instructions. You can launch them off the little cardboard launcher into other things to knock those things down. Whoa mama! It's fun when things knock other things down. Almost as much fun as New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Ahaha, no. Hey, it comes with gum though!
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  • Mouth-on? with Dragon Quest X Monster Figure Collection!

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    The more often I'm compelled to buy crappy drinks in order to obtain video game-related trinkets, the more often I wonder whether what I'm doing really involves my mouth. With the release of Dragon Quest X imminent (no seriously, it comes out tomorrow), Square Enix has partnered up with Pepsi and their atrocious low-calorie Pepsi Nex soft drink to promote the game in its native land of Japan. With certain drinks it's easy to tell who's getting the bum deal, like when the drink is way better than the toy that's attached, like maybe Boss Coffee sticks a shitty F1 racecar onto it. But with Pepsi Nex, which I generally prefer to drink only when there isn't an ice cold can of leech sweat handy, Square is definitely doing the heavy lifting. I bought two bottles of the barely-consumable swill merely for their toys, and as I poked through the bottles on the shelf looking for the most easily-accessible figures that I preferred, I felt more like a huge dork than I generally prefer to. Was it worth it?! You decide!!

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    The Dragon Quest X Monster Figure Collection is composed of sixteen different monsters from the game, which are all listed on the back of the package. They consist of slime, slime drackey, metal slime, golem, silver devil, king lizard, and a bunch of other crap that I can read but am unable to tie mentally to any specific Dragon Quest monster because they like to change their names for the English releases. But wait—it's not just a figure in the pack! THERE IS MORE.
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  • Mouth-on with Super Mario 3D Land Nameplate!

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    I know the box says "nameplate" in huge letters printed overtop of what itself is a sort of nameplate. It even has some kinda holes in the corners to make it look more platey. I get it, this product is about the nameplate! But do you see up there in the upper right corner of the box, how it says "candy," which you can read because you are an expert at Japanese culture and language, and candy is a big part of it? I have to admit, merely seeing the word candy printed on this box as I looked through the toy and candy novelty section surrounded by tiny children made my mouth water! I could feel the candy-spit leaking out from between my teeth, preparing to receive that sweet candy. So I tossed that box into my life-partner's shopping basket, even at its ludicrous asking price of 150 yen (nearly $13,000 at today's exchange rate).

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    Look at Mario's goddamned face on this thing! Look at his mouth, hoo baby! He is like "oooooh too crazy, ooooh." His little tiny pinhole mouth. And oh, tonight. I had just finished watching Michael Douglas order a ham and cheese Whamlette and I was stricken with the urge for candy! It was time. I went to the cupboard to choose a Mario-themed candy/trinket combination box from my massive stockpile. This one had a nice box shape, I figured it was ripe for the pickins. I savagely ripped open the top of the box to extricate the contents. Inside: one nameplate, and one foil-wrapped candy. I was not prepared for this sweet treat.
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  • Mouth-on with Super Mario 3D Land Gummy!

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    When I carelessly tossed the package of Super Mario 3D Land Gummy into my life-partner's shopping basket the other day, I didn't even realize what it was. I saw Mario on the package, and like a mindless child I just grabbed it off the shelf and hucked it in there without thinking about anything except the fact that I saw Mario, and he is red, and he is my friend, and I like him. The damned thing cost a hundred yen, which I probably should have considered, because I mean a buck is a buck, that is a hamburger at Japanese McDonald's, where Ronald McDonald is called Donald McDonald because nobody here can say the letter R.

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    I originally thought the package contained some sort of chocolate disc in addition to its cursory bauble, but was shocked upon opening it up at home to discover that the "food" item that makes up Super Mario 3D Land Gummy is in fact a gummy. A coin-shaped gummy, to be precise, one that isn't exceedingly large either, despite being encased in a massive plastic slab roughly the size of six Super Mario 3D Land cartridges placed next to each other. The foil package says the gummy coin has a pineapple flavor, which is actually right on the money, aha, it is a coin, oh, oh my heart.
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  • Mouth-on with Kid Icarus Uprising Choco Snack!

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    Only a fool would sink their teeth directly into a Kid Icarus Uprising Choco Snack, packages of which now adorn the shelves of various grocery marts peppering the cities of Japan. Yes, to recklessly crunch right into one of the blackened Medusa droppings is not unlike biting into a gigantic piece of Cocoa Puffs cereal, which I have not eaten in years because Japan does not believe in cereal.

    You see, a true connoisseur of these gastrointestinal reset bombs foregoes the immediate pleasures of instant gratification, instead opting to let the discolored balls simmer in their mouth as though dropped into their own personal Fiend's Cauldron. As the crunchy corn skeleton begins to yield, untold heights of chocolate enjoyment may be achieved, and the eater may discover that the intensity and quantity of the chocolate locked inside each squalid nug is truly surprising!

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  • Mouth-on with Super Mario 3D Land keychains (also drinks)!

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    I don't know about you, but when I find myself here in Japan where I have somehow been for the last three years, and I am desperately scanning the shelves for a drink, oh god anything will do. That's why I naturally gravitate toward the bottles of stinkwater that have free toys latched onto the tops. This method has ensured the adorning of my various man bags, murses, European carry-alls, bropouches, and fanny packs with a variety of mind-numbing baubles running the gamut from tiny rubber sushi to a bear dressed like a chef to the plastic likeness of a brown-suited salaryman literally on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness.

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    Imagine my surprise when, as I reached blindly for something to choke down the other day, the hand pulled out of the cooler holding something Mario-related! There was also a drink attached.
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