N-Sider

For Well-Adjusted Nintendo Fans

Latest posts with tag: "toys"
« remove tag RSS

  • Mouth-on with New Super Mario Bros. Wii Choco Egg!

    Written by ,
    I am so full, I have no room for anything left in my bulging stomach. We made some spinach fettuccine, it is so good. I eat and eat it until there is only space in me for liquid. And yet, for some reason or another, I feel myself drawn to the cabinet, to that place where I keep my pouches of slug vomit and preserved dicks. I am bored, I still don't have a Wii U, what the hell am I going to do, get stickers in Paper Mario? It is time to put my mouth on something, it is time for a game snack. It is time for New Super Mario Bros. Wii Choco Egg! Why do I have this thing.

    Inline Image

    I crack it open, and there is a plastic buttplug inside. Inside the plug is Mario, in three pieces. I put him together while contemplating my life, and what life must be like in three pieces inside a plastic capsule, in a chocolate egg, in foil, in a box.
    Continue reading... 2 comments
    Tags:

  • Mouth-on with Boss Coffee Drive Shot and the Mario Kart 7 Pull Back Car & Big Figure Collection!

    Written by ,
    Boss' new Drive Shot canned coffee isn't brown or yellow but somewhere in-between, the color of what you'd get if a Hershey bar could take a piss. As I pop the lid I notice it smells about the same, watered down, sweet, a hint of milk, the memory of coffee beans. I imagine some old man down at the local rotary club sucking it down like a babe at the teat out of a paper cup with the fold-out handles, and start to gag, even as I pour the thin swig down my gullet, dampening my cavernous gorge. The outer walls of the narrow metal can are ribbed. I drag my thumb over them as I dump the slosh in. I think of winter, and the people who have touched me.

    Inline Image

    There are several brands and dozens of varieties of canned coffee in Japan. But the best one is Boss, because of Tommy Lee Jones' bizarre Japanese commercials as the namesake "Boss" himself. If anyone ever tells me another kind is better, I kill that person and then play the commercials on my phone into their eyes that I hold open because they are dead and can't open them of their own will. I used to drink cans upon cans of Boss in the first few days of my life here, consistently unable to obtain restful sleep and waking at strange hours in the impossibly hot summer, craving the caffeine, Needing it! I started buying canned coffee by the case from the grocery store and developed a heartburn-agitating pseudo-addiction to it that eventually convinced me by force that I should probably switch from coffee to tea. But every now and then my hand is pulled towards the Boss section on the shelf, especially when things are like yesterday, and there is a new kind of caffeine-enhanced coffee called Drive Shot with FUCKING MARIO KART TOYS ON THEM look at these goddamned toys holy shit look at them. The toys
    Continue reading... 1 comment
    Tags:

  • Mouth-on with New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set Gum!

    Written by ,
    What's more fun than a plastic packet full of cardboard? A plastic packet full of cardboard with Mario pictures printed on it! Yes, New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set Gum is simultaneously the worst and most awesome candy-related product I have ever savagely grabbed from the shelf with my teeth and spat into the shopping cart with a walrus-like emission of sound. This thing hearkens back to a time when we had to use our imaginations for entertainment, when we had to have fun with spartan paper products. A time before New Super Mario Bros. Wii, a video game.

    Inline Image

    What can you do with New Super Mario Bros. Wii Stage Set? Well, one piece is the background. You set it up in the back. The other piece is a bunch of punch-outable cardboard characters that you fold together. The package contains suggested playing instructions. You can launch them off the little cardboard launcher into other things to knock those things down. Whoa mama! It's fun when things knock other things down. Almost as much fun as New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Ahaha, no. Hey, it comes with gum though!
    Continue reading... Discuss
    Tags:

  • Mouth-on? with Dragon Quest X Monster Figure Collection!

    Written by ,
    The more often I'm compelled to buy crappy drinks in order to obtain video game-related trinkets, the more often I wonder whether what I'm doing really involves my mouth. With the release of Dragon Quest X imminent (no seriously, it comes out tomorrow), Square Enix has partnered up with Pepsi and their atrocious low-calorie Pepsi Nex soft drink to promote the game in its native land of Japan. With certain drinks it's easy to tell who's getting the bum deal, like when the drink is way better than the toy that's attached, like maybe Boss Coffee sticks a shitty F1 racecar onto it. But with Pepsi Nex, which I generally prefer to drink only when there isn't an ice cold can of leech sweat handy, Square is definitely doing the heavy lifting. I bought two bottles of the barely-consumable swill merely for their toys, and as I poked through the bottles on the shelf looking for the most easily-accessible figures that I preferred, I felt more like a huge dork than I generally prefer to. Was it worth it?! You decide!!

    Inline Image

    The Dragon Quest X Monster Figure Collection is composed of sixteen different monsters from the game, which are all listed on the back of the package. They consist of slime, slime drackey, metal slime, golem, silver devil, king lizard, and a bunch of other crap that I can read but am unable to tie mentally to any specific Dragon Quest monster because they like to change their names for the English releases. But wait—it's not just a figure in the pack! THERE IS MORE.
    Continue reading... Discuss
    Tags:

  • Mouth-on with Super Mario 3D Land keychains (also drinks)!

    Written by ,
    I don't know about you, but when I find myself here in Japan where I have somehow been for the last three years, and I am desperately scanning the shelves for a drink, oh god anything will do. That's why I naturally gravitate toward the bottles of stinkwater that have free toys latched onto the tops. This method has ensured the adorning of my various man bags, murses, European carry-alls, bropouches, and fanny packs with a variety of mind-numbing baubles running the gamut from tiny rubber sushi to a bear dressed like a chef to the plastic likeness of a brown-suited salaryman literally on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness.

    Inline Image

    Imagine my surprise when, as I reached blindly for something to choke down the other day, the hand pulled out of the cooler holding something Mario-related! There was also a drink attached.
    Continue reading... 3 comments
    Tags: