As soon as I saw the weird, tendril-like metal coils, the large, molded handgrip, and the suction-cup button covers, I knew I had to have it. How could something so grotesque seem so exciting at the same time? Not something you play with on its own, the Ultech 3 requires you to bring your own equipment to the party, and this fits right on top of it. That equipment is one standard Family Computer control pad, and that party is about to get frisky. The box it comes in touts in huge letters that it's the "ONE HAND CONTROLLER," the "Ultech Machine!" The night after I buy it I let it sit in the box and I have dreams of a huge red plastic shell descending slowly upon me, crushing me beneath its weight. I emerge another man, a better man—a man with the ability to both move and fire with my left hand alone, all while sipping an ice cold cup of blood in my right.